SATIRE
Letter from your local congressman

I recently visited my parents’ home and looked through some old belongings and came across a letter that I found very useful and interesting. In light of the active election currently taking place and a need for all Americans to better understand how government works, I thought I would share it with you.

You see, when I was in the third grade, my teacher made every student in the class write our Congressman and ask him about a problem we saw in the world. Here is a reprint of the letter I received from Congressman Joe Barton, dated April 8, 1986, answering the probing questions of a young third-grader curious about the world at large. Take a look to see government in action -- it’s truly inspiring.

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April 8, 1986

Raj Desai
5600 Westerway Drive
Arlington, TX 76013

RE: Your Letter Dated March 6, 1986

Dear Mr. Desai,

Thank you for your letter dated March 6, 1986. It is wonderful that your teacher Mrs. Sloop encouraged you to write me. I enjoyed all the letters from your classmates at Dunn Elementary School asking me to look into problems ranging from new playgrounds to world hunger. However, your letter left me a little puzzled. As you are only in the third grade, this may sound harsh, but I think you should seriously consider seeking professional therapeutic help.

Your problems are far too great for the United States Congress to solve alone. First and foremost, I cannot pass a bill to prevent your rampant bedwetting. Not only are there serious jurisdiction issues for a bill like that, it is not scientifically possible. Secondly, I do not know why your brother says you are gay and then also says Sherri Ragsdale is your girlfriend. Indeed, he is contradicting himself.

Further, I do not know why your father has started sleeping in the guest room. And, even though your father’s sobbing keeps you up at night, the Surgeon General recommends 8 hours of sleep a night for a growing boy like yourself. Try a warm glass of milk. It works for me.

Lastly, if you think your mother is spending too much time with her personal trainer Brett, then maybe you should mention your feelings to your mother. The fact that Brett keeps telling you to “get used to it” is all the more cause for alarm.

It sounds like you do not need a Congressman, but rather an around-the-clock team of family therapists. If you ever visit Washington, DC, with or without your nuclear family intact, please stop by my office where I can make you an honorary congressman for the day.

Yours Truly,
Joe Barton

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