America Braces
for 'TV War'

LOS ANGELES - The Bush Administration is pressing ahead with the conquest of Iraq despite wavering support among the American public for the action.

War planners hope to deal with general apathy about the attack by converting the Iraq invasion into another successful 'TV War.' Both the Gulf War of 1991 and the memorable Humanitarian Bombing of Serbia in 1999 helped the political fortunes of Presidents Bush and Clinton, respectively, and pulled in strong Nielsen ratings.

Officials plan on making public support or opposition irrelevant by relying completely on the destructive power of the US weapons arsenal to win this war. Administration officials actually see citizens' lack of interest in the war as an advantage, not a drawback as a some have suggested.

"It was nice having that surge of patriotism with the Afghanistan operation, but we now have things under control," said Richard Siskel, one lower-ranking armchair bombardier involved in preparing the media for this TV War.

According to Mr. Siskel, US officials promise press conferences with important-sounding pronouncements by military brass as part of the Media Blitz that will go hand in hand with the blitz on Iraq.

Snazzy computer graphics showing targets eli-minated and televised missile attacks using tiny cameras perched on each missile will make the audience feel as aware and knowledgeable about the war as the "Smart Bombs" themselves.

"We of course won't be showing any of the blood and guts and wanton destruction that can result from these missile attacks," Siskel continued. "I mean, that could endanger national security."

Media masters will regularly remind viewers to remember that, although US forces will be invading a peon nation on the other side of the planet that has already been bombed into the ground for over ten years, this is merely a war of self-defense and self-preservation for America.

"Saddam started it," said Siskel succintly. "Everyone knows that."

Insiders are beginning to place bets on which hot-shot journalist will be crowned the latest 'Scud Stud' in the coming conflict. Original 'Stud' Arthur Kent says that he is prepared to pass on the title he earned so heroically when he "brought home the victories and tragedies of war" on the Peacock Network during Operation Desert Storm.

Even though this TV War promises to be spectacular like none before it, certain officials consulting with news networks don't want to 'bombard' the public with too much coverage.

"You know that old maxim 'War is a bummer' still holds true. We'll make sure there's still plenty of sports, Hollywood entertainment, and heart-warming fare to choose from," said Siskel.

"Americans shouldn't get needlessly bogged down with all the details of this operation. Like I said, we in the Bush administration have everything well under control."

Siskel also added words of hope that anyone chiming in on the Iraq debate will find reassuring.
"If we can get this UN weapons inspection charade over with real quick, we hope to get this TV War completed in just a few weeks," said Siskel. "By the Super Bowl Holiday, people will be able to celebrate peace on earth, brotherhood, and all that jazz again."

From Wilshire Gazette (January 2003)

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