CITIZINE REVIEWS
Old-School
Beasties Revival
Take a trip with the Beastie Boys back to the dawn of rap with To the 5 Boroughs.

By Mark Prindle
www.markprindle.com

You can't expect a wife and her husband to agree on everything. For example, I think "3 The Hard Way" sounds like a listless old Run-DMC filler track, but it's one of her favorites on here. For another example, I get a major goddamned kick out of the uptempo, catchy, happy, bubblegum-rap "The Brouhaha" and weird electronic swishy "Crawlspace" and she finds them -- and I quote, "kinda boring."

But that's the nature of human beings. We all have different histories, different expectations, different beliefs and different needs. Actually, "3 The Hard Way" sounds okay right this second, but then I'm a little unsober. As the geniuses in Tool (who I'm bound to review eventually) once said, "Why can't we not be sober?" I'll tell you why -- because of BEER vodkka.

I'm going to start over. Here's my review:
The Beastie Boys. White men, yet professionals in a field dominated by the black man. Race is EVERYTHING and we ARE differently colored on the inside, so this is important to note ...

That wasn't a review. Here's a review. Since the beginning, the Beastie Boys have been AHEAD of the rap game. Licensed, Bill was METAL and WHITEBOY HUMOR added to rap (wild! new!), Paul's Boutique blew all our minds with its ahead-of-its-time insanity of non-stop samples and cop pulture references, Bring Out Your Dead added INSTRUMENTS and SOUL MUSIC to the rap sound, Ill Communication was kinda lame, then they did a PUNK album (nobody had ever done a punk album ever!) and Hello Nasty was all over the awesome place with reggae, sci-fi synth effects, indie rock songs, and just all kinds of wonderful, colorful backing!

However -- and this is only temporary, so don't freak out -- on this release, the Beastie Boys are going for "old school," apparently attempting to imitate what rap music sounded like BEFORE Licensed To Ill. The lyrics are almost ALL basic rap boasting (though a few of the tracks are hilarious), along with a few out-of-the-blue words (on the wings of a dove, a messenger comes with the beating of drums, it's not a message of love) "It takes a fight to start a fight/When differences remain/We make the rule/Bemoan the rule/WE'RE ADDICTS FEIGNING SHAME!/But love recalled is love reborn and we're determined to relive the pain/BUT THEN ALL LOVERS ARE DERANGED!

You know what? It really blows that I'll never get the chance to interview David Gilmour or Robert Plant or any of those big-name artists that I've loved my whole life. (frowns) At least I get to speak to lesser-known people I've loved forever though. That's something! That's something to cherish! Do you realize what a huge Vehemence fan I've been since I was 3? And don't even get me STARTED on that pathetic "40 Grit" piece of shit band! Loved 'em FOREVER AND A DAY!

Old school rapping over minimal music, like Run-DMC (featuring the late, great Jam Master Jay, may his spirit rest in peace, the poor man) and early Public Enemy (featuring the living, of-questionable-intelligence Professor Griff, may his spirit rest in anti-semitism). It's basically like the first album without the heavy metal and humor.

The production is stronger though! I can't even play Licensed To Drive An Automobile on my turntable without that godawful bass tone making the speakers distort. But it's DULL! So many of the songs are just DULL! Why are they talking about NYC so much when they haven't lived here in 400 years? Is it possible to be TOO "old school"? Look only to the slow minimal "Rhyme The Rhyme Well," the dull nothing going on "Shazam!" or the ugly, ugly "We Got The" for proof. And I ain't talkin' about a geometry proof! Am I? Hell, I don't even know anymore.

This is the first time EVER that the Beasties have purposely tried to sound like everyone else (did in 1983). Half of the time, the electronic background noises or bass samples are interesting and fun enough to ride it through (me? trax 1,2,7,10,12,13,14 -- but again, my wife disagrees!). The rest of the time, it's just like, "You're fucking joking me right? It's 2004! What are you doing, re-recording the first LL Cool J album?" If the point is to focus on the WORDS, why not make more of them more interesting? Granted, SOME of them are beyond wonderful. Here, I'll share examples:

...

Okay, I may have been mistaken. I just tried desperately to find a funny couplet for you but they all SUCKED. So I'll pick a few out at random so you can see how lazy the Beatsie Beatsie Beatsie Boys have become since becoming the Buddhist, the other guy and the other guy. RANDOM COUPLETS:

(AT RANDOM, CHOSEN BY BLIND FINGER):
"Hate-filled people wanna keep us in check. Tearin' down each other is what they expect."
"When it comes to panache, I can't be beat/I got the most style from below 14th street"

OOH! I LIKE THIS ONE!!! "So here's a match, my ass and your face/Listen when I tell you dog; I'M IN YOUR CRAWL SPACE.
One more at random: "You're out of phase and my crew's amazin'/We're working on the record yo so stay patient."

Final comments: Old school with a few hints of wonderful grace and fun delight and just wonderful, GREAT rap music. But too much of it is so old school and empty, it's almost like you're just listening to three guys talking over a beat.

WAIT A SECOND! I THINK I'VE JUST REALIZED SOMETHING AMAZING ABOUT "RAP MUSIC"!!!!

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