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CITIZINE REVIEWS By Mark Prindle Helmet
For the past several years, I have responded to the hookless downtuned chord pummeling and screaming of nu-metal with the succinct response, "Helmet did this already -- and better." How bitter then the tears' sting must be on the cheeks of my mind's eye as a brand new Helmet release hits the streets and bounces tepidly to its clearly-desired place in line between Linkin Park and Korn. The first thing to note here is that this is not a Helmet "reunion" at all. Joining the ranks of such classic piles of bullshit as Fear's Have Another Beer With Fear and the Meat Puppets' Golden Lies, Size Matters is an album by the band's former lead singer and his new band -- and, just as in the case of those two earlier masterworks, odds are good that Size Matters was rejected by the record company until Page Hamilton agreed to use the name "Helmet." Unless, of course, he presented it as a Helmet album in the first place, in which case, SHAME ON YOU, JIMMY PAGE (HAMILTON). Helmet played mean, loud, rigid, aggressive, uncompromising, intelligent uber-grunge noise; Size Matters is generic radio-ready emo-metal. Not only does Page "Alexander" Hamilton not scream anymore -- he's purposely adopted a higher, friendlier singing style so teenaged chicks (for example, women, or girls) will like him! What is he, 400 now? He's old! Young people hate old people! Haven't you seen Cocoon II: Gramps Sucks Eggs? Most of today's hottest gnu-metal bands are MUCH heavier than this prissy Helmet-Lite, not to mention more interesting. There's no power in the 'Met anymore. Just loads of simple, boring Helmet-ripoff low chord sequences followed by big bright emotional singalong choruses. As a fan of emotional chord sequences, I actually enjoy many of the choruses as a pleasure racked with guilt, stupidity, and shame. But the songs just really aren't very creative. The only exceptions to my rule are the first single "See You Dead," which has a unique snuck-in extra chord in the verse and a very radio-friendly chorus, and "Surgery," (also the name of a former AmRep bandmate of Helmet, back when they were GOOD) (Helmet, that is. Surgery were never good.) which uses a great bent string effect in the heaviness as well as a static solo. And by "static," I don't mean "unchanging!" The rest of the album, however, is completely static. And by "static," I mean "if you rub your sock-clad feet all over your living room rug and then touch your finger to this CD, hopefully it will break because it's no goddamned good."
Glenn Danzig's latest release finds him trying to revisit the simple yet effective hard rock riffs of the band's first line-up, but with ridiculously heavy detuned guitars. In fact, the bass and guitar essentially BOTH sound like distorted basses, except that the guitarist keeps interjecting these moronic false harmonics everywhere (I can't remember how false harmonics are done, but CHRIST are they ugly and stupid-sounding: embarrassing high-pitched guitar noises, intended to sound "tough," but mostly just goofy and '80s-ish. Ozzy's third guitarist used them extensively as well). I'd bite my tongue on the childish guitar antics, however, if the riffs made up for them in spades. Unfortunately, it's just a bunch of rigoddamndiculously by-the-numbers chord sequences, almost all of which appeared in 'non-hit album tracks' by bands like Motley Crue, Ratt and Accept throughout the '80s. Actually, that's misleading. I'm not saying that the new Danzig album sounds like glam metal -- I'm saying that the chord sequences are trite, old and forgettable hard rock cliches, used many, many times before by many, many hard rock bands of many, many styles and time periods. Three chords and the truth is that Danzig sounds lost and unsure of himself. But mandarin orange, those guitars are heavy! (Have you ever held a guitar? Man! They're like 65 pounds! And sure, that's a decent price in Britain but over here none of us have jobs because our government sold them to the Indians. Screw you, President Gore!) Have you seen the uproarious online video clip of Glenn Danzig getting knocked out by one punch following his attempt to humiliate and frighten a fellow musician backstage? It's a classic! So classic, in fact, that Glenn apparently began shying away from the media afterwards, eventually declaring that this album will be his last. If these rumors are true, this is a perfect example of what can happen when a person takes himself too seriously -- something Danzig has done for his entire adult life. Perhaps he was taunted as a child for his short stature (as Minor Threat once sang, "What the fuck are you fighting for?/ Is it 'cuz you're five foot four?"), perhaps he's convinced that his (relative) fame has been a result of his image rather than his songs -- having never even met the man, I have no idea why his "tough" "manliness" is so important to him. But it is, and when deflated on camera in front of the world, I guess it darn near killed his ego (or so I'm told). But let's get back to the music! Little on here is new or interesting, and his melodic smarts seem to have taken the year off. Why is he using such simple, dumb chord sequences? Is he trying to sound "stripped down"? Or has his music ALWAYS been this simple and I never noticed because it was so often catchy before? On this one, the guitar TONES are better than the hooks, which are mostly midtempo two- and three-chord attitude rockers. His voice is sounding worse and worse too -- bloated and hoarse, like a bloated .... horse. Plus, the boxy drums sound just horrible, like a teenager beating on a used kit in his parents' laundry room while I fuck the bitch upstairs, the two-timing whore. It's not a complete loss though. Stand-outs include "1000 Devils Reign," which sounds a lot like "Who Made Who"-era AC/DC (but heavier) -- that kind of smart, melodic chord collision AC/DC were doing during that period. Elsewhere, "Skull Forrest" has dark ugly vibratoed notes that are kinda horror movie-ish, and "NetherBound" is really chunky-space-chunk-space like early Helmet. Simple but effective. But too many of the others are pregoddamneddictable and borgoddamneding. "HellMask," for example, to name names,
is the bottom of the Danzig barrel. And believe you me -- he has
a barrel!!!!! Moronic generic "tough" riff with godawful
gruff shouted vocals -- and even a WHISPER part! What are they,
11? Then there's the rehash browns "My Darkness" (an ugly-as-shit
variant on the "Sweet Leaf" riff) and the title track
(a trite rewrite of "Enter Sandman"). Then there's that
other one with the thing, and that one song with the catchy part.
Also I like that one song and how the guitar goes up and down, but
that one with the slow part is as boring as a shoe.
I've finally figured out why Sonic Youth fans like them so much. It's because they never change. It's the same way that I hear a new Motorhead or AC/DC album and say, "They're doing the exact same thing they've always done, but with minor variations -- SHIT YEAH!" Sonic Youth hasn't changed its basic approach since Evol (1986) -- they've tightened it up, matured into less irritating vocalists, and mellowed it out a bit (specifically through the use of a cleaner guitar tone for the last three or four albums), but the basic "two guitars playing hypnotic drone chords and/or notes that intertwingle-twangle with each other in lovely ways" concept has been set in stone for some time. They do it quite well, even I must admit, and it's difficult to not be impressed by the well-oiled guitar interplay machine that they have developed into over the past two decades. But then there's me and my bad musical tastes. Maybe I shouldn't say "bad" (though I do like quite a bit of truly horrific music -- Gwar, for example. And the Meatmen.), but "impatient"? The average song on here runs about six minutes long, holds my interest for about two, and sounds far too much like every song appearing before and after it on the disc. It's a good album by a good band, but I can't imagine that I will ever view it as anything more than that. I thought it would make me happy to hear Thurston singing like an adult and giving up his sassy shouting crap, but instead it just makes the songs sound lifeless -- like the band is as bored dragging the songs on this long as I am listening to them do so. It's guitar music for standing around to -- no passion, energy, drive. Just competent, pretty playing.
Hmmm. I only have kind of a lousy MP3 copy of this one. The quieter songs seem completely buried in bass and I have a hard time telling exactly what's going on unless I'm right next to the computer speakers. Also, and this may be the fault of my lousy MP3 copy, a lot of the songs really blow. PJ "Steve" Garvey is, tired of that radio-ready sound for the radio and has here retreated to the stark, guitar-driven sound of so many earlier times yore. Most of the songs are performed in sad or angry minor keys, and some of them are quite emotionally affective, but FAR far FAR too many of the "hooks" are composed of two chords going up-down-up-down-up-down like a lazy, bitter, drunken bluesman beating his wife. There are standouts of course -- a sweet acoustic strummy here, a brooding kickass fully-composed slow rocker there, a bunch of birds chirping here, an eerie tapping keyboard note there, some clicky percussion here, a harrowing emotional breakdown there -- but the concentration of samey macho blues-rock songs with unbelievably stupid lyrics ("Who the fuck do you think you are / Get out of my hair / who the fuck do you think you are / Comin' round here / who the fuck who the fuck / who the fuck do you think you are".... "Mummy, put your needle down / How did you feel when you were young? / 'Cos I feel like I've just been born / Even though I'm getting on / How the world slips by so fast / How does anybody last?") weighs down the golden circle quite a bit over 14 compositions. Look, let's be honest here. The good songs on here -- and there are, oh let's say SIX of them -- are really, REALLY great songs: moving, touching, filled with sadness beans, and weeping with gentle tearful guitar backdrops. But then there's eight others that all sound like she spent no time on them at all! Also, to be further honest, only a few of the songs have bad lyrics. Her love poetry is beautiful ("When I was younger / I spent my days / Wondering to whom / I was supposed to pray / It's you?".... "See this winged boy falling / Falling out of something / Hits the drug I'm needing") and when she writes about taking a dump, it's hilarious ("Someone outta rinse it out with soap / Wash it out, wash it out, wash it out"... "I'm feeling burned / You taught me a lesson / I didn't want to learn"). But a song is only as enjoyable as its melody, and that's where Hip-Hug Her falls short of its two predecessors. That's just one well-endowed man's opinion though. If you like simple little dark blues riffs with a lovely female voice angrily intoning atop, certainly do feel free to go ahead and buy it. Just don't expect me to play it at your funeral.
Alien Jergenson has done his fans a SOLID by issuing a real GAS of a release that will hopefully help him increase his LIQUID assets. The EARTHy tones of his various side projects are never WATERed down, nor do they pass WIND; in fact, most of the time Al's totally on FIRE! This is great and I wish I could do it all day, but I've got a review to write so no more piddling around like a wordsmith dandy. Side Trax is a terrific idea that I personally never thought could have come to fruition due to copyright and personnel issues. What it IS is an 80-minute CD compiling the work of four of the best-known and least-recorded Al Jourgensen side projects of the 1980s: Pailhead, 1000 Homo DJs, PTP and Acid Horse. So now instead of four reviews, I only have to write one! Up The Irons! (*lifts irons up over head, then continues pressing shirt*) Let us begin with Pailhead, a dark industrial death-rock sort of project put together by Al and Ian MacKaye of Minor Threat and Fugazi. All six of their songs are GREAT compositions, reminiscent of early Killing Joke with their insistent dead bass hooks and minimalist phrishy fuzz guitar chords. Ian has never sounded so menacing as he does against this ominous backdrop, and every song seethes with underbellied malice that only occasionally erupts into full-scale violence (especially in the hardcore metal riffer "I Will Refuse" and the pulse-pounding condemnation of sex phonelines "Ballad," which finds a near-hysterical Ian screaming "PICK UP THE GODDAMNED PHOOOOOONE!!!!"). And hey Ramones fans -- pay close attention to what Ian's singing at the end of "Anthem" -- she's a reference! The only bad thing about these six tracks is that they represent the full output of Al Jourgensen's smartest and most chilling side project of all time. 10 out of 10 for this section of the CD. My next guest is 1000 Homo DJs, a side project that basically amounts to everybody in Ministry except Paul Barker. Claims have been made that Trent Reznor and Jello Biafra were involved, but I certainly don't hear them. The claims, I mean. I tend to shut my ears when claims come along -- that's what makes me such a successful insurance agent! But before I get sidetracked, let me get Sidetrax up your head with my mad verbiage, yo. The Homo DJs (all 1000 of them) issued one distorted but melodic (and hypnotically repetitive!) industrial single followed by a cover of Black Sabbath's "Supernaut" backed with a fake cop yelling at people. Me, I'm fond of all these tracks -- the hopeless "Apathy," desperate "Better Ways," kass-icker "Supernaut" and... vaguely funny "Hey Asshole" -- but the latter track drags on a bit long, as I'm sure we're all in agreeance. Still, the vocalist does a picture-postcard-perfect impression of an asshole cop. You can almost HEAR the mustache! The 1000 Homo DJs section receives an 8 out of 10. That's it for the rockin' out portion of the CD. The remaining five tracks are electronic dance-type house music similar to early Revolting Cocks or Twitch-era Ministry. So if you're in it for the big guitar rock with the long hair, you'd might as well shut down the computer and go take a crap right now. Because that part is OVER, Jack, and it ain't comin' back any sooner than Adam Smith is coming back to pen The Wealth Of Nations 2: Hello Mary Lou. Good riddance to bad rubbing alcohol! First are three tracks by PTP, the only one of these four side projects to feature Paul Barker. The big draw at the time was the inclusion of Chris Connelly -- that's what made it PTP. But see, he just ended up joining Ministry anyway so.... Well, so. PTP wrote one great song built upon silly happy synth noises, a single bass note repeated over and over for six minutes, and low "I'm Too Sexy"-style vocals intoning such vibrant literature as "Tick tick tock, I am the kitchen clock/ Tick tick tock, this is my wife/ Tick tick tock, I am the kitchen clock/ Tick tick tick, this is my KNIFE!" Unfortunately, the other two songs are worthless '80s computer noise synth CRAP! One of them is a previously unreleased track from Robo Cop featuring Ogre from Skinny Puppy on vocals and it's CRAP! I give this section of the CD a 3.333, the nogoodnick portion son of an ass, and it's CRAP! Finally, Acid Horse winds up the nilly-nally with Al smacking palms with Chris Connelly and legendary dull electronic outfit Cabaret Voltaire. Each band does an original version of a song called "No Name, No Slogan," and surprisingly, both tracks are as enjoyable as they are completely different from each other! Al's is total RevCo: dance beats, Connelly's low vocals and a wonderfully incongruous steel guitar sample marking the end of each line. Cabaret Voltaire on the other hand speak the lyrics through a vocoder, invent a happy fun bass line and toss in lots of exuberant bouncy keyboard noises jumping up and down on a trampoline eating a tangerine playing a tambourine. 8 points. So you see, when Al Jourgensen sits around the house, he really sits AROUND not doing anything! ---- Reader Comments No Comments. |
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