       |
|
| About
// Contact Latest Stuff Links Art Satire Interviews Asstrology Fanciful Musings Poetry Row Voices of America T. Dubbs Samples Real News More News |
Fanciful Musings… By
Alex Bravo 10:30a Wednesday, June 15, 2005 Are my criteria for dating too strict? If a girl, like, says, I mean, or like, ya know, more than say, like, ten times in the first five minutes, I'm, like, totally not into her, ya know what I mean ... um, yeah. 2:02a Thursday, June 16, 2005 I love myself ... No, I don't ... I hate myself. Ohh, the duality of the Gemini. I change my mind in Goddamned mid-sentence. 9:47p Monday, August 22, 2005 Am I the only one who sees a smokin’ hot Vietnamese girl’s face floating around like Lincoln’s profile on the penny everywhere I go? 3:33p Tuesday, August 23, 2005 Struggle Against Global Extremism ... Oh man, I really hope this colorful catch phrase proliferates like daisy cutters on a hot Iraqi summer day.
4:44a Wednesday, August 24, 2005 My girlfriend says I have an uncanny resemblance to her boyfriend. (Should I be worried?)
6:63p Thursday, August, 25, 2005 In peace, we love our fellow man. But during the Struggle Against Global Extremism (and who exactly is more extreme than Fanatical Conservative Christian Republicans?), suspect anyone who doesn't look like you. 7:01p Friday, August 26, 2005 Vicodin ... Ohh sweet Vicodin. Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 1:35p Wednesday, October 6, 2004 I don’t give a goddamn what anybody says. You cannot oversleep. Whenever you wake up is the right time to get up, man. 6:16a Friday, January 14, 2005 No laces for me, too much of a hassle. I’ll take my Pumas without cumbersome laces, thank you very much. 7:18p Friday, January 14, 2005 Yappin’ on the cellular at Runyon Canyon- How many times have you seen some annoying douchebag, who also moonlights as a motherfucker, talking loudly and annoyingly at a supposedly tranquil place? I know it’s been said before and will surely be revisited in the future, but what can be done to curb out-of-control cell phone behavior? Public Castration? Chinese Water Torture? No Soup? 12:24a Wednesday, February 23, 2005 A funny thing happened as I strolled down the Third
Street Promenade in lovely Santa Monica. I witnessed an Asian kid
getting ‘cuffed by a black undercover cop in front of the Apple
store. This perp was trying to make off with a free iPod, but didn’t
make it very far. Hypothetically speaking though, the good thing
is that after he rightfully purchases an iPod, he can listen to
his favorite mp3s while doing his favorite community service. I love telling fellow co-workers (other catering staff, to be precise) that ‘so-and-so’ (insert boss’s name here) said that they are doing a really good job. They either look at me incredulously like I’m full of shit, or they smile really big and thank me for sharing this sweet catering compliment. Either way, it makes for a good laugh, and might even build character and team morale. And if they go up to the boss and thank them for the perceived compliment, it makes for some serious comedy. 12:29p Monday, March 28, 2005 Are you the type of person that likes to take a li’l sneak peek at your poop before it races down the porcelain black hole? It really is a good idea to make sure your stool is healthy every now and then.
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 2:54a Thursday, May 13, 2004 Words spewed out of his mouth like pus from an open wound, and I thought to myself, ‘His words are meaningless and forgettable; without action they are merely particles floating about aimlessly and without reason.’ A man with no conviction is hardly a man at all. 1:21p Monday, May 24, 2004 Do you have to take a drug test to run for President? See, I was thinking about adding my name to the ballot, but then I realized I wasn’t even 35 years of age yet. 4:35a Sunday, May 30, 2004 I was checking out this chick who was wearing a beautiful silver dress at this party tonight. Then it occurred to me that, even though her outfit was stunning, she was anything but. Which got me to thinking, you could put a crackwhore in a Cadillac, and you’d still be left with a crackwhore. 4:21p Sunday, May 30, 2004 I am a man with adult-like problems trying in vain to fix them with a child-like approach. I guess you could say I’m a ‘Toys R Us’ kinda guy. 3:04a Monday, May 31, 2004 Never trust a man with a limp or extremely weak handshake, and also be wary of guys who hold on to your hand for an unnaturally long time too. 8:18a Tuesday, June 1, 2004 In this life, one has many options. The choice is up to you, but I would still strongly suggest you dismiss that crazy notion of marrying that bitch. She’s a money-grubbing whore who will rarely ever screw you after you get married. Don’t be a sucker. If your foolishness cannot be averted, at least do yourself a favor and marry a girl that is not American. And forget about blowjobs, they are absolutely out of the question. 2:18p Thursday, June 3, 2004 God? What’s all the fuss about anyway? It’s a complete non-issue.
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 1:45a Thursday, December 18, 2003 I imagined myself once just as a normal person. I realized being normal isn’t really about being normal; its about trying not to be too different from the rest. Abnormality kicks ass. Question conformity and never succumb to peer pressure. 11:11a Wednesday, January 14, 2004 Words are like rivers. All bodies of water are connected by at least some degree; no different from word origins. 1:49a Tuesday, February 17, 2004 I haven’t felt this tired in quite some time. I can hardly keep my eyelids open. I seem to have lost my motivation. One day at a time I suppose. I only want to live without worries but am always taking the path of least resistance. I’m looking for a get rich quick scheme, and still can’t appreciate hard work, but what do I have to show for it except some incredible experiences and an astounding girlfriend? Is it simply a matter of time or will my time never come? 6:16p Wednesday, February 18, 2004 I was. I am. I will be, and you cannot stop me once I put my mind to it. My quest for redemption shall not be obstructed by your pettiness. 3:23p Thursday, February 19, 2004 Before the bullet hits the bone, remorse hits the soul of the shooter. Dont shoot other people.
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo
9:01a Sunday, June 1, 2003 I came to the frightening realization that I absolutely hate my roommate. The only thing is, I live alone. 3:33p Wednesday, June 11, 2003 Fat people should not be allowed to wear spandex. Now, I know what you’re saying, “C’mon man, fat people have just as much right as you or me.” Wrong. They don’t have the right to wear skin-tight clothing if they will be in any public place. We need to start regulating this more forcibly. The burden lies with the salespeople in the stores where these plump bastards are buying everything off the shelves. It’s time to face the music and stop pretending it’s permissible. 2:04p Sunday, June 15, 2003 I’m just so sick and tired of these cutesy t-shirts that girls, and even some women, wear. I’m talking about these annoying ‘Bitch’, ‘Princess’, or ‘Goddess’ t-shirts. If you really need a t-shirt to define who you are, you have no business flaunting your incorrigible behavior around, bitch. And while I’m on the subject, don’t get all bent out of shape when some dude is looking at your rack when you’re wearing something from the Baby Gap three sizes too small. 12:01a Monday, June 16, 2003 I would just like to take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" to a dear friend, without whose invaluable counsel, I wouldn’t be here today. Happy 28th, Oscar. 2:33a Thursday, June 26, 2003 There’s no such thing as an Irish alcoholic; he’s simply the life of the party. 9:19a Sunday, July 6, 2003 I once saw an irate man in a drunken stupor proclaim ‘You haven’t seen the last of me!’, as he was being escorted by two bouncers out of this club. Evidently, this guy was a bit too liquored up and groped one too many ladies and got the ol’ heave-ho. As it was, he didn’t really mean what he said because we never saw him again after that. 10:41p Monday, July 7, 2003 A pharmacist can never call in sick to work because the supervisor always knows there’s some medication at work that will make him feel better.
6:00p Friday, July 11, 2003 I think I’m getting full on my self-servings.
12:34a Monday, July 14, 2003 The male ego is the only thing on a man more sensitive than his balls. 2:42p Tuesday, July 22, 2003 You say you’re no starf*cker, yet you came in with me, but left with Vince Vaughn. Shameless.
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 3:44p Wednesday, May 14, 2003 Let me clear one thing up. I am not a devout Democrat. I simply despise Republicans. I am anti-Republican if a label must be affixed. 1:26a
Friday, May 16, 2003 4:07p Sunday, May 18, 2003 The next time one of your boys starts perpetratin' on a little philly you just introduced him to, remember this: Not everybody believes in brothers before bitches.
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 4:57a Wednesday, April 2, 2003 "Happiness
is the fertilizer of life." 1:32a Saturday, April 12, 2003 If you're looking for a sure-fire way to cure boredom, I suggest this. Find a place that rents Suzuki Samurais and go cruising for bitches and dips. If that's not enough entertainment for yo ass, try jumping railroad tracks at 40 mph. You can really fly in those little jeeps. 6:30p Tuesday,
April 15, 2003
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 9:27p Sunday, February 9, 2003 A fool and his money will soon part ways. A fool
with anger management issues will also lose his shirt, belt, and
pants, and have to spend a lot of 11:02p February 14, 2003 No matter how you interpret it, 'I'll talk to you later...,' whether figuratively or literally, I am protected by the truth, because it will be LATER when we talk again. 1:44p February 27, 2003 Everybody knows my favorite word is FREE. Getting free shit always puts a smile on my face. 9:13p Sunday, March 9, 2003 Alright, this one's real simple folks. Fake tan, fake personality. You live in Socal, get out more.
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 2:30a Wednesday, January 22, 2003 Another L.A. first... I've seen some worthwhile shit go down in L.A., like a fistfight break out in the Galaxy Theatre on Hollywood Blvd. during a screening of Traffic, and witnessing a speeding car take off the door of another person's car as he was stepping out of it on Magnolia Blvd. But the other night, while smoking a bowl with Karen, I heard a distinct buzzing sound emanating from outside our apartment building. Much to my surprise, as I peered out the third story window, I saw a young black man dismantling an obscene, orange parking boot from his dilapidated Honda Civic with an electric saw. I opened the window and shouted down, "Way to go, bro. Stick it to the Man. Fuck the L.A. parking bureau!" Although I secretly hope he appreciated my solidarity, he told me to shut the fuck up, as not to arouse any suspicion of wrongdoing. Fifteen minutes later, he and his car were both gone. Mission accomplished. To this day I haven't seen this fellow around my neck of the woods again, but when I do, I plan on giving him a hearty Texas-sized handshake. This guy reminded me that, in times of desperation, you can either abide and pay the fine, or take matters into your own hands and saw the whole thing off. It's beautiful, it really is. 4:28p Wednesday, January 22, 2003 No matter what you say or do, they will get you. And when they do, it's gonna hurt like hell. From Wilshire Gazette (February 2003)
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 1:49a Monday, December 16, 2002 Tell me one thing. Is it true fat chix try harder? Because if they do, I'm prepared to put that theory to the test. 11:05a Monday, December 16, 2002 Has there been any human being more annoying in the last decade than Rosie O'Donnell? I think Oprah might be second, but there's a pretty big gap between the two of these heifers. 2:22p Thursday, December 19, 2002 It seems intelligence is a fading commodity in our shallow culture. Evidently the youth of our warped nation would rather have a tricked-out Escalade with 20" rims and a booming sound system than a high IQ. And I don't even want to get started on the idiocy of our SUV trend; I'm trying to be merry this holiday season. 12:01a Wednesday, December 25, 2002 Whatever happened
to 'Peace on Earth' and 'Goodwill towards men'? I suppose we can
only have peace after we're done bombing the hell out of the Iraqis.
What's a little collateral damage? They're only human lives, but
with one important distinction: they're not American lives. So that
is why they are expendable and thus 'collateral damage.' Have you
ever heard of anything more disgusting in all your life? Our government
is completely fucked. From Wilshire Gazette (January 2003)
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 1:13a Tuesday, November 12, 2002 If a woman
is whining about something to her boyfriend in the forest, and there's
nobody else there to hear the bitching and moaning, does the boyfriend
really have to listen to this shit? We are a country
divided...divided by wealth and greed. What's worse:
telling a girl you love her only to sleep with her, or actually
meaning it? One time while
I was driving from Denton to Oklahoma, I could actually feel myself
getting stupider as I crossed the border. From Wilshire Gazette (December 2002)
Fanciful Musings… by Alex Bravo 11:20a Sunday, September 29, 2002 I took my dog Dulce (which means sweetness in Spanish) to the park once a few years back. The great thing about having a beautiful dog is that the chickies flock to pet your dog, and it's a really good conversation starter. This one girl asked me if she was good with other dogs, to which I replied, 'Oh yes she's fantastic with other dogs.' Then she asked if she had ever bitten anybody, to which I replied, 'No, she's never bitten anybody...that didn't deserve it, that is. One time she bit this dumbfuck named Foster who had it coming for taunting her. Put a hole right through his left hand.' The girl looked a little spooked and walked off. It was the last time I ever told that story. 10:29p Friday, October 4, 2002 You shouldn't
make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker, at least right now, at Runyon
Canyon. I told this hilarious joke about her and nobody laughed
at it. I was fucking furious. The joke goes like this; Sarah Jessica
Parker walks into a local bar and the bartender asks, 'Why the long
face?' 2:06a Monday, October 7, 2002 Surely, if
it wasn't for masturbation, I would be in prison right now. From Wilshire Gazette (November 2002) |
|
|
|
|