Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Despite being “punk,” many label your band’s music “shoegaze,” and not because your band stares at their shoes while they perform, but because your sets usually end with swift, repeated kicks to your face administered by those in attendance.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
This time next week you will find yourself pinned beneath the wheels of a sanitation truck. In light of the events that will occur mere moments before you are crushed, this is not necessarily a bad thing.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Drinking one’s own urine is a common practice among survivalists struggling in certain life or death situations, but it still may not be acceptable to do so just because you can’t be bothered to take the escalator two floors up to the nearest vending machine.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
You will become the most influential proponent in the coming struggle to combine church and drugs, when you begin to see the weeping figure of the Virgin Mary in every plume of smoke you exhale after hitting your crack pipe.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You call it art for art’s sake, but you are never able to throw off the nagging suspicion that everyone else just wishes you would quit jumping up and down and put your clothes back on.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
A large, red wart will develop on the end of your nose this week, but you will be saved from public embarrassment about it when the attention of those around you is diverted by the Texas-sized meteor headed towards Earth, dooming the planet at any moment.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You will seek out life in foreign lands, yet stay in America. The time is now to use what you know, and finally take the dive. Your layover in the Gateway City has been fruitful, and now you must build on these experiences. If you play your cards right, rural pastures await you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You will find great success as the founding father of the First Church of the Bling of Jesus Christ, especially after you deliver your most influential sermon, “Now That Ya’ll Know God Love You, Make Dat Bitch Do Whatevah.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Being a successful grrrlrocker is about more than just having a pretty face, a sweet rack, and some jingle jangle brashness. You also need the technical skills of rock at your fingertips. This is where T. Dubbs Music Instruction could come in handy to help you out-rock the competition, and propel your career as a rock starlet.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
By complete accident, you will discover a recipe for the most heavenly butter pecan muffins on Earth while in the midst of your fifth attempt at cooking up a successful batch of crystal meth.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
You refuse to accept the notion that every snowflake possesses its own unique design, and this illustrates clearly the lengths to which you will go, just to be an unbearable asshole.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You will soon join the elite crime-fighting team, The McMen, after secret, government-funded experiments leave you with the power to dispense three drinking straws simultaneously from the back of each hand.

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