Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
You realize that Jay-Z has already referred to himself as “the black Brad Pitt,” but only after you have already printed 1,000 business cards and married, then divorced, the Chinese Jennifer Aniston.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
While watching the new film “Lords of Dogtown,” based on the true story of the legendary Z-Boys, you will find solace and inspiration in the fact that, apparently, you can be legendary even if no one knows who the hell you are.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You always thought people considered you “punk” due to your tattered clothes, illicit drug use, political involvement, and anti-establishment music you listen to. It turns out you’re just short and annoying.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
You’ve suspected for years and now the stars are confirming it: yes, you masturbate more often than anyone you know, and yes, it is healthy as well as life-saving for you.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself pretty cutting edge for keeping abreast of the current trends, and now that the 80’s are back, you can truthfully say you’ve been smoking crack since before it was cool to do so.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Despite the fact that you ride your bicycle to work and back, volunteer at your local Whole Foods grocery store, adhere to a strict vegan diet and adopt neighborhood strays, it will still be beyond your understanding as to why everyone thinks you’re a goddamn asshole.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Despite warnings from the Surgeon General, as well as friends concerned with your health, your addiction to candy cigarettes will soon develop into candy lung cancer, and ultimately lead to the powdery sweet release of death.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your own judgment of intelligence when, after giving a lecture on proper office conduct, you are caught awkwardly trying to unclog the toilet with the wooden handle of the plunger instead of the plunger itself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You’ve always had the confidence and now the stars are backing up your claim to be able to defeat Michael Jordan in a game of one-on-one basketball. This is as long as we’re talking about the third grade Michael Jordan currently living in the suburbs of San Antonio.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
People applaud your cat-like reflexes, uncanny sense of balance, and ability to see in the dark. But it still doesn’t make it any easier to find someone to clean your litter box on a regular basis.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
You turn up a major archaeological find when you uncover certain ancient scrolls and learn that Jesus Christ’s true message to the world was “Punch ‘em in the face, fuck ‘em in the ass, throw ‘em down the stairs.”

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You always thought you lacked the focus and determination to do anything for nineteen years, but after today that’s exactly how long you will have been dead.

More Asstrology ...