Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
There is a very good chance you will receive a full-grown grizzly bear in the mail this week. However, there’s an even better chance you will step in grizzly bear shit with both feet.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You swore to never visit any strip club that accepted wooden nickels and glass bottle deposits as legal tender. Fortunately, it’s not considered visiting as long as you are employed there.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Say goodbye to all of your friends and loved ones, as a bump on the head will result in your decision to permanently wear a mask like the Lone Ranger’s, as well as change your name to ‘Quentin McFuhkmenuts Mmmmm ... Good.’

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
The fact that you have not eaten red meat since you were 15 cannot escape national attention next week when you are trampled to death by a large herd of liberated, fellow travellers on Starship Earth.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your ambition to re-invent our national anthem will force into existence new dimensions of patriotism. The best part will be when you all board rickety ships, bound for glory and brave new worlds somewhere else.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
It’s an unseasonably cruel week ahead. No big deal, you’ve gone through tough times before. Of course, that was before you woke up and remembered your name is Izzy Stradlin, that you are a member of a band called “The Ju-Ju Hounds,” and that there once was a label interested in your music.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Like Jesus, Joan of Arc, John Lennon, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, and other greats of the past, you will inspire more people with your untimely death than you ever did with your alright life.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You say it’s the shoes. Your fans say it’s your rabid devotion to perfection. Whatever it is, it’s safe to say that everyone agrees that you do indeed boogaloo electrically.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
While it may not influence your self-esteem in a positive way, it may be of interest to know that Bob Dylan’s “Blood on the Tracks” was partly inspired by that one time your fat-ass mother got run over by that train.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
So Cosmo says you’re fat. I know someone who ain’t down with that. His name is Sir-Mix-a-Lot. He probably wouldn’t mind hearing from you either. Give him a call. You probably already know his beeper number.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
Next time you see a cop, punch him in his smelly face. It sure won’t improve your quality of life, but when you find yourself on a dangfangled elevator ride again with that one person you’re awkwardly attracted to, it will definitely give you something fresh to talk about.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The innovative decision to publish your bleak poetry across the country in the form of faux tombstones, will inspire your readers into new, comforting ways to die. Unfortunately, you just write the stuff. You don’t read it.

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