Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
You will never know the pain of marrying your one true love, only to watch them die in a fire, a car crash, or a random act of violence, because you will be hit by an out-of-control bus roughly 5 minutes after reading this.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
What you were doing, why you were there, and the force behind your convictions will all be lost in the fog of time. What will endure and ultimately reach the permanence of the stars will be the words you utter moments before your untimely death: "Pony up, you preschool bastards!"

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You will soon reach the heights of fame and fortune, your name mentioned in the same breath as Madonna, Janet, and Britney, once your single reaches the top of the charts. "Someone Gonna See My Butt-Crack (You)" will be the cornerstone of your impending legacy.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
It will be a counter-productive day indeed when you discover later on this week that your will to live is surpassed only by your ignorance as well as your inability to learn things quickly.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You will be the hot topic of conversation around the office water cooler this week when John Stewart, host of 'The Daily Show', refers to you on-the-air as, "the Republican Party's left nut."

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
It was true that the less you thought of work as "work," the faster the work day went. You will be surprised to discover for yourself the same philosophy does not hold true in prison, as it is difficult to think of ass pounding as anything other than "ass pounding."

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You will become the new head of your local school of philosophy soon after your decision to add the words "if that means anything to you" behind everything you say.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
There is no foreseeable day in your future that will not require you to ask, honestly and imploringly, "Did you just fart in my face?"

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Long gone are the days that found you donning your Pedro the Dancing Enchilada outfit to make ends meet. Now, you are not just doing it for pleasure, you're doing it to save lives, including your own.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You will be shocked and appalled when you learn of the short life span of the butterfly, considering how close you are to crazy gluing enough of them to your bicycle just so you can 'hover around town for a bit.'

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
Your ability to paint vivid, life-sized landscapes onto brick walls and other flat surfaces will be severely tested this week when you are mistaken for a roadrunner by a Mr. Wile E. Coyote.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The following phrase will have plenty to do with your future: "If it doesn't fit in your mouth, it might not fit in your ass." See that 'might'? That is your invitation to defy the gods.

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