THE HOLLYWOOD BEAT
Late Sleeper

by Rose McDonough

I'm not a late sleeper. I'm a morning person. If I stay in bed until 7:30 I truly feel that the day is wasted and I might as well pack up and move back to Des Moines to work at Circle K.

Some people call this an "affliction." That's just rude. An "affliction" is alcoholism, depression, or more than one child before the age of 30. Luckily for me, my boyfriend George is also a morning person. Or at least he pretends to be, because he loves me so much. He's out of town right now shooting a movie sequel. I miss him, but at least now I get some sleep and my share of the covers.

George calls me at least five times a day from the set. He wants to make sure that I know there's nothing going on between him and Julia. Every time he calls, I tell him this whole "guilt" issue could be resolved if he would just give me Julia's role. He seems reluctant. Something about the "audience" and how they would "notice." My ass! She and I both have brown eyes and hair -- although mine is A LOT less damaged. George finally did offer me a role, but it was as a craft service helper. No thanks bucko, I already shop at Trader Joe's. I don't need to serve the stuff to extras -- excuse me, "background performers."

Anyway, I've found a way to get back at George. I've been hanging out with my ex, Benicio. He's not quite as groomed as George, and frankly, he usually needs a shower, but I just love the way he says "burrito" so we get along fine. Actually I'm surprised he can even be friends with me because I broke his heart into about a "billion pisses." He wanted us to be the new Desi and Lucy. I thought it was a really good idea until he recommended that Renée Zellweger be my sidekick. Between you and me, Renée bugs me. Is she stupid? Or just really bad at acting stupid? Benicio said I was just jealous because I didn't want to share billing with two Oscar winners. Low blow. I threw a piñata at him and walked out. He pursued me for a couple of weeks in between shifts of picking up errant shopping carts in his dangerously altered pick-up truck, but finally I told him and his maracas to take a "caminar." He got it.

By that point, I was being courted furiously by JLo. Somehow word had gotten out that I liked it "South of the Border." She took advantage in a way that only she could. At one of those moments that girls are changing in front of each other for no reason, she commented on how perfect my tiny breasts are. She said they belonged "in a dollhouse." Well, that was music to my ears and before I could pick up my Biggie fries from the drive-thru, Jenny had had me in the backseat of her Escalade. I learned one really important thing from our 12-minute but very passionate affair: if one girl wears peach lipgloss and the other pineapple gloss, it tastes like a root beer float when you kiss. Delicious. Go figure. We parted amicably at the corner of Fountain and La Brea after eating a second lunch at El Pollo Loco. I'm not crazy about ethnic food, but it made her close to her "people", so what do I care?

Goodness, what time is it? 11 am?!?!?! Time for a nap ...

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