Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
This week you will be the lucky recipient of "Zaireeka", the unconventional, groundbreaking, four-disc album by the Flaming Lips meant to be played simultaneously on four different stereo systems. Unfortunately for you, being homeless also means you don't know three other people with functioning CD players.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Follow your heart in all matters of love and money this week. As your high-school graduating class correctly predicted for you, one will sure as hell not come without the other.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Swinging your children by the arms and playing other 'monkey' games with them will not only aid them in their social development, it will also help them feel more at ease about picking and eating the parasites that inhabit the fur on your body.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
The expression, "Without hate, one cannot know love; without darkness, one cannot know light," will go a long way in explaining why things seem much more beautiful and vibrant whenever your face is in the picture.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You will make a major contribution to the fields of Astronomy and Physics this month when, asked how big outer space is, you hold your arms out as wide as you can and simultaneously raise your eyebrows as if to say, "Well, what do you think of that, punk? Step off and stay off."

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
You will be the recipient of a poorly thought out invasion by the United States Marine Infantry Division when a decision is made by President Bush and his administration to liberate you of your poor tastes in clothes and music.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Your impulsive decision to try your hand at directing in the medium of film will prove to be a successful gamble when your first movie is met with much critical acclaim: an all porn version of Gone with the Wind, set in the year 3017.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
As Jupiter rises in the house of Aquarius, and Pisces dissolves in Uranus, being near water will prove to be particularly lucky, especially when you are thrown off a bridge "just for being yourself."

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Declaring yourself eligible in this year's NBA Draft will strain your relationships with friends and family, particularly when you are chosen by the Los Angeles Lakers in the third round and then traded on draft day to a little known fabric factory in Thailand for whiter shoelaces.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
It will be a hard lesson to learn, with consequences reaching far into the future across several generations, but next time you will definitely know what not to say when asked, "What does that cloud look like to you?"

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
A burst of generosity on your part can start a tidal wave of good luck. Acts of random kindness on your part can start a flashflood of friendly smiles. Learning to chew with your mouth closed will also result in yet another major catastrophe, further resulting in the significant loss of human life across the globe. Know when enough is enough.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Your football coaches agree: You have the drive to win. Your football coaches also agree: your physique, manner of dress, and uncanny ability to know when the use of 'jazz hands' would be most effective in your routine make you better suited towards synchronized swimming or figure skating in next year's Second Class Citizens Olympics.

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