Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Blaming the Philadelphia Eagles’ loss in the NFC Championship game on Donovan McNabb’s injured ribs is like blaming cancer on al-Qaeda. This makes a lot more sense under the influence of a fifth of Wild Turkey and half a sixer of PBR, which is why this horoscope is perfect for you.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Despite being anal about English grammar to the point of crippling your relationships with friends, family, and lovers, you will be the first to admit that DMX could not have explained it any better when he said, “Ya’ll goan’ make me lose mah mind. Up in here! Up in here!”

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and Godliness is much closer to Pisces than it will ever be to Gemini, even if you did kill your first born son. On the other hand, think of all the extra time you have to spend with his Playstation 2.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
While it’s true you’ve grown bitter about your age, it will cheer your tiny, black heart to know that every year, on the eve of your birthday, Jesus still sits on Santa’s lap and tells him what He’d like for Chumpmas.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You will open a fortune cookie and receive a fortune that is just wrong. I don't mean 'wrong' as in 'inaccurate.' I mean 'wrong' as in the spirit of Hitler performing on open-crotch slam-dunk over the dug up body of mother theresa on the silver anniversary of your mother's death.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
The worst thing will not be the crack pipe exploding in your face. The worst thing will be the backlash you experience among the crack smoking community. I mean, come on, who wants to be seen smoking crack with “that guy”?

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The ring you were recently married with, although stunning in its simple design, reveals a message written in a bastardized form of the elvish language when touched by fire, a language I dare not utter here. The ring must not fall into the hands of the evil one. Keep it hidden. Keep it safe.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You always thought it would be brave to die in the heat of battle, sacrificing your life for a cause you believed in with all of your heart and soul. You just never thought it would be defending your argument that the movie “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” was much, much better than its all-white cast original.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The stars did not fight in the second world war against the evil Nazis just so you could lie around on your ass all day drinking whiskey and reading Charles Bukowski books. Go out and get a goddamn job! Oh wait, you’ll be dead next month. My bad. The stars suggest reading “Ham on Rye.” It’s one of Bukowski’s best.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
While it’s true it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do your job, it’s also true it doesn’t take an anorexic, lazy-eyed, slack-jawed, in-the-closet graduate of UCLA, which goes a long way in explaining your recent termination.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
It’s not the secret picture of your ex-girlfriend you keep in a box that will cause your current girlfriend to break up with you. It’s your unbreakable habit of screaming, “Thunder…THUNDER…THUNDER CATS!! HO-O!!!” at your moment of sexual climax that will do the trick.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The traumatic experience of being bound, gagged, and thrown into the trunk of an Oldsmobile will be enlightening when, through the car stereo, you realize your abductor listens to the same bands you listen to. How weird is that! Your abductor is just as much of a conceited music snob fuck-o as you are. You smile. You’re happy where you are as long as the music’s good.

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