Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Although laughter is the best medicine, it would be best to consult a doctor before infecting the one you love now.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
The stars suggest "hitting the books less often" as you prepare for your upcoming drug test. Keep in mind, every Taurus fails it their first time.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
As Jupiter rises, the next week will be the most inappropriate time of your life to consult your WWJD bracelet, forcing you to live by your terms and your terms alone.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
While the Harry Potter books have done wonders for your self-esteem concerning scars on your head, there is not enough invisibility material in all the wizarding world to conceal your enormous bee-hind.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You will soon become the new record holder for using the phrase "pop a huge boner" the most times in a lifetime.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
If you are reading this alone, not only are you horribly lonely, you are also terrible in bed. If other people are around, you are immensely popular, but only because you are easy.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Despite previous literary success, your newest book "The Kama Sutra of Eeyore" will be met with resounding, permanent failure.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You will always cherish your memory of catching "that first snowflake of winter" on your tongue, even if you were in a swimming pool in the middle of July, at a summer camp for fat kids.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Driving a bus is a wonderful occupation, satisfying the transportational needs of an entire city. The stars laugh at the idea you thought you could land the job on your first try. You must first have confidence, as well as the appropriate knowledge.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
An idea about a show about a show about nothing will be met with success and great viewer ratings as the show merely consists of you sitting on your couch alone, watching Seinfeld. I mean, come on, who doesn't watch Seinfeld?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
If you are not drunk while reading this, reeking of brothel love and the city zoo, God will have lost a bet with the stars. (Thanks for the inside tip).

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Amazingly, you will find yourself being clubbed to death by one-armed pirates with raging oceans in their eyes for the third time this week, testing your already shaky faith in hallucinogenic drugs.

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