SATIRE
"A Great Time to Be Gay"
Supreme Court confirms right to anal sex.

SAN FRANCISCO -- June 29, 2003 -- At the Gay Pride March, San Francisco's annual festival dedicated to all things queer, there was much reason to be extra-proud this time around. The latest Supreme Court ruling making anal sex (formerly known as 'sodomy') legal in the fifty states has set celebrants' hearts aflutter. "Even the Supreme Court says that being gay is OK, so all you homophobes out there, wake up!" said one unidentified proud gay marcher.

Mark Sommers, one-time host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare, and all-around nice guy, appeared at the Gay Pride Rally and was visibly relieved at the change in U.S. policy. He earned audible 'amens' from the crowd when he called previous sodomy laws, "A real pain in the ass." Sommers added, "Pardon the buns, I mean pun."

There is, nevertheless, opposition to the ruling, notably from hard-corps conservatives and "Christian Right" frontman, Jerry Falwell. The reverend, who spearheaded the assault against the dastardly deeds of the infamously gay and feminized Teletubbies, spoke to assembled followers about the ruling. "God, our Lord and ultimate master, will not like this, guys. Analism, that is, the pursuit of anal breakthroughs via naughty male-on-male coitus, deserves a punishment much more severe than AIDS, SARS, or embarrassing acne."

Gay-Straight Alliance spokesman and famed sports commentator Vince Mosley responded with an extended interview on how his organization is dealing with the decision. "Closed-minded people keep turning this into a gay issue, but it's not. This is a ruling that affects all Americans because, it's a fact, we all have anuses. As the Supreme Court ruled today, the right to have sex inside your anus is guaranteed to all American citizens, men and women alike, by the United States Constitution, and shall not be abridged."

It is unclear whether this ruling applies to oral sex, which usually was also a crime under the state sodomy laws now struck down. Activists are hoping so because, according to Mosley, "If oral sex is part of the issue, it will be more appealing to heteros and offer the opportunity for a much broader community coalition to act and ensure that Americans' sex rights are properly enforced."

Mosley is heading the new Safe Anal Sex / Safe Oral Sex Alliance (SASSOSA) that will fight for sex rights. SASSOSA plans a high-publicity safe sex "education" campaign to hit this September starring "The Fresh Prince" Will Smith. The campaign will feature Smith performing some watered-down pop-rap with a catchy, "feel-good" chorus promoting anal sex as "The Other Way to Get Jiggy Wi'dit."

"As a father, Will thinks it's really important that the next generation get educated," Smith's publicist said. "The Prince" will tour the country as part of the "SASSOSA Education Initiative" with appearances at junior highs and middle schools. After a 15-minute lip-sync routine, Smith will host a light-hearted yet frank discussion of analism. "We hope to at least get some lively conversation started about the issue," said Mosley, "and get people to see -- it's not just 'queers' and 'homos' who do it the other way - everybody is entitled to it, as an American."

Mosley described how print and TV ads will also accompany the motivational speaking tour. "We're gonna aim on the "hetero" market primarily, at first - Maxim, ESPN, Sports Illustrated. We don't want to preach to the choir, since it's all about raising awareness on the issue. Everyone should consider whether "The Other Way" is right for them. For example, one benefit that people don't realize is that anal sex offers a 100%-guaranteed alternative that has been shown to really work for hetero couples who don't want the hassle and bother of unwanted pregnancies. Will's going to talk about that on the campaign, and how "The Other Way" is really -- it's all about the American tradition of giving and receiving that we celebrate at Christmas and other festive events."

American men (and women) may soon cash in on this new-found legal delight, but Mosley, for one, is taking the ruling with a touch of caution. "This is a very serious decision from our Lords and Masters, the Supreme Court. We of course welcome it, but we don't want all Americans to just go out and say 'Hey fellas, let's have a lot of anal sex, now that it's legal and all.' That would not be healthy. Like any right, men need to know how to exercise it … responsibly."

But with anal sex now granted greater legitimacy before the law, many can't help but celebrate the dawn of a new era in America. Some analysts predict a "spontaneous explosion" of anal sex across the fruited plains, from sea to shining sea, now that the leisure activity has been officially recognized as "A-OK" by the men and women in black to whom we look to tell us what is right and what is wrong. Will Scalia and Thomas soon 'try' sodomy together to see what all the fuss was about? And will SASSOSA be successful in making sure the "right to choose" to do it "The Other Way" is not infringed? Mosley has a definite answer to this question.

"I would not let anyone … anyone … infringe on my right to anal sex. Would you? Of course not. We are going to have to show that, when it comes to an issue like this, we aren't going to back down. And we aren't going to settle for only having sex in a girl's vagina. It is a matter of principle, period."

For one modest man at the Pride March, identifed only as Lorenzo C., a lifetime of "activity" has now been validated. "It sure is a great time to be gay. And this makes it all worth it. I sometimes had wondered ... is all this anal sex I'm having ... in vain? But today's ruling by the US Supreme Court, really heartens me and gives me pride in what I do -- only on holidays and when I'm out of town, of course. I have a wife and kids, you know."

----

Reader Comments

No Comments.

Citizine Home