Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
First, the title "The Greatest Story Ever Told" has already been taken. Second, your parents having sex is not a good way to start your biography, "great" or otherwise.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You will be surprised at your lack of surprise when you receive a 1-800-COLLECT call from Alf and eagerly accept the charges.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You realize that your dream of dying rich, face down in a mountain of coke, with a smoking .45 in your hand and dead hitmen all around, is that much closer, now that you have your learner's permit.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
While it encourages the development of your child's thinking process to answer his questions with other questions, perhaps your question should not always be, "Why don't you just shut up?"

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your beautiful soul will sing and blossom into a million rainbows for a million sunny days just moments after you are crucified, tortured, and kept alive over a period of three slow weeks.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept.22)
It will be an awkward moment for you and the security guard when you are arrested "checking your heart rate" on one of those drugstore machines with the sexy seat and arm cuff.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Unfortunately for you, your wife found your stash of Playboy. Unfortunately for your wife, you really are only interested in the articles.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You will be introduced to the world as 'McMunchy,' the newest member of the Ronald McDonald hamburger family, when, stoned out of your mind, you unwittingly wander into McDonald's and eat the trillionth hamburger served.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You will be shocked and angered when a friend tells a mutual acquaintance that you drive drunk for fun. It is really more of a serious hobby for you, and your friend should know that.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
A nightly ritual will be called into question when you realize masturbation is no longer sex with someone you love.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
The fact that you are married proves you should not have eaten all that ecstasy and gone to that all-night party with Lou Reed.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You feel the weight of your glorious high school past fall away like water when you are finally conditioned to stop screaming "Yabba Dabba Doo," as a form of greeting.

More Asstrology ...