CITIZINE REVIEWS

Madonna
American Life
(AOL / Time Warner, 2003)

By Mark Prindle
www.markprindle.com

I've been writing reviews for more than seven years. I'll be the first to admit I took a couple years off in the middle there, but more or less one can kind of lie and say that I've been doing it for seven years. In all that time, I've heard some truly horrendous, unlistenable records - records that rate at the very bottom of a metric 1-10 scale. Your Metal Machine Music, your Y Kant Tori Read -- heck, Madonna herself has scored a couple of 1's.

But in all my years of reviewing - from the beginning of the 20th century clear through to the end of the 21st -- I never expected to come across an album with such a volatile mixture of uncreative melody, embarrassing production, and offensive, moronic lyricism that would physically bust through the bottom of my scale and force my wife to design a graphic for "ZERO." After all, how would one go about getting a ZERO on a scale of 1 to 10? Genius that she is, Madonna has figured it out!

You know, a lot has happened since Madonna released her last shitty album. Let's see -- hmm. Well, there was that terrorist attack that killed a few thousand people in her former hometown. Yes, there was that. Then there was that darned recession - still going on - that has left millions out of work while our president's business friends continue to steal more and more money for themselves.

Oh yes! And then there was a war! A war in which we dropped bombs on the poverty-stricken and widowed many, many Iraqi women (killed some too). Throughout all this, we've been dealing with daily terrorist fears exacerbated by our monstrous administration and the five media companies that suck government cock every day of the year.

This is a dangerous time to be an American -- and an even more dangerous time to live in a country that America doesn't like. Not only are you poor as dirt, but there's a good chance you're going to be buried under six feet of it within the next 12 months so Bush can keep our minds off of the economy he can't fix.

So what does Madonna do? Well, let me put it this way -- you can tell me every fag, junglebunny, and kike joke in the world, and none of it is going to offend me anywhere near as much as listening to some dumb rich cunt bitching and moaning about how much her life sucks for 50 fucking minutes.

Before I delve into her poetry, let me preface this attack by saying that I certainly understand why an artist might choose not to address depressing social issues in their work. Entertainment is entertainment, after all, and lots of us turn to it for an escape from the disturbing reality we're experiencing. But that's not what American Life is - it is not escapist entertainment. It is Madonna presenting a series of dark, minor-key, unhappy songs about how fake and plastic the entertainment business is, and how it's not enough to make her happy. Hopefully I speak for the majority of Americans when I say, "BOO FUCKING HOO!"

Let's start with track one, "American Life." Aside from being (almost) inarguably the least catchy single Madonna has ever released, this song, within the first thirty seconds, makes it clear exactly how far out of touch Madonna is with real life:

Do I have to change my name? Will it get me far? Should I lose some weight? Am I gonna be a star?

This is American life in 2003? Who thinks like this now? Aside from the most narcissistic brain-dead failed actor, I can't imagine ANYBODY over the age of 13 seriously considering these to be important worries at this particular juncture in history.

How about "Will there be any jobs available for me when I graduate college?" or "Will I ever be able to get out of this ghetto without being murdered by 'gangstas'?" or "Where is my family supposed to live now that I've been laid off and have no retirement money because the executives of my company stole all of it?"

But it gets much, much worse later in the song with the first of many unbelievably poorly conceived and humiliatingly executed raps performed by Madonna in a quite racist fake negro accent.

"I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef," she brags. "Three nannies, an assistant, and a driver and a jet; a trainer and a butler and a bodyguard or five; a gardener and a stylist ..." before delivering the most horrifically thoughtless conclusion possible -- "Do you think I'm satisfied?"

Well, it must be nice to have the luxury to be unsatisfied with billions of dollars in the bank and people waiting on you hand and foot. Unfortunately, most of us actually have to work for a living - and many of us don't even have the opportunity to do that.

How about asking yourself if your three nannies and assistant are satisfied? Or if your gardener and butler are satisfied? How about writing a song that doesn't include the word "I" at least forty times? Not this time. This is Madonna's time to whine about the trials of the rich -- which, I might add, is exactly what she did on Ray Of Light.

And the most disturbing part is that she thinks she's speaking as a HUMAN. She's sure that she's one of US now. She has NO IDEA what being a person is like! How could she? She hasn't had a real problem in about thirty years! (My wife adds, "She hasn't had a decent SONG in about thirty years either!).

So what else does she offer on this magnum dopus?

Next is "Hollywood," a quite obvious attempt to make excuses for her seemingly endless string of unsuccessful movies. "Everybody comes to Hollywood / They wanna make it in the neighborhood / They like the smell of it in Hollywood / How could it hurt you when it looks so good?" Guess the critical reaction to Swept Away wasn't all she was expecting? Must be because Hollywood is cruel; couldn't be that she's a boring actress.

Next is "I'm So Stupid," which must be the tenth or twelfth song she's recorded about how materialistic and selfish she used to be, and thank God she isn't anymore. Now she understands what's really important in life. That's why she feels the need to tell us this, over and over again. Almost as if it were a new identity that she was trying to slip into. Unfortunately, "honesty," "integrity" and "compassion" are not costumes that you can slip on and off like a bustier with gold-tipped nipples.

And I'm sorry, no matter how many times she says it, I simply don't BELIEVE her when she claims, "I'm so stupid/ 'Cause I use to live/ In a tiny bubble/ And I wanted to be/ Like all the pretty people/ That were all around me/ But now I know for sure/ That I was stupid."

I'm not going to make a judgment call about whether Madonna is stupid or not -- but she is quite clearly as self-delusional as anybody else you're going to find in the entertainment industry. And what can you say about a person too dim to realize what even FRED DURST is able to figure out -- that American life has changed and celebrities at least have to make an effort to LOOK like they give a shit about other people?

Moving on, we come to another shallow introspection piece called "Nobody Knows Me." Well, first of all, as she has made evident for at least the past ten years of her career, there's not a whole lot to know. Monstrous ego, insatiable thirst for attention -- and that about covers it! And secondly, I don't suppose I have to explain to you exactly how it feels to hear this self-satisfied multi-billionaire sing, "I sleep much better at night/ I feel closer to the light/ Now I'm gonna try/ To improve my life." I, I, I, my.

Pardon me one second while I count how many times Madonna uses first-person pronouns on this 50-minute release:

"American Life" = 62
"Hollywood" = 6
"I'm So Stupid" = 24
"Love Profusion" = 67
"Nobody Knows Me" = 68
"Nothing Fails" = 26
"Intervention" = 27
"X-Static Process" = 60
"Mother And Father" = 71
"Die Another Day" = 55
"Easy Ride" = 34.

Well, they say write what you know. And Madonna is all Madonna knows. Or cares about. So why shouldn't she refer to herself 507 times in 50 minutes? That's more than 10 times per minute. That means that Madonna is attempting to show that she is no longer selfish and one-dimensional -- by making a verbal reference to herself EVERY SIX SECONDS FOR THE ENTIRE CD.

There is much more about this album that repulses me. There's that irritating vocal effect (the one from "Die Another Day" and about six trillion other interchangeable female-sung dance/pop songs) that I'd hoped she'd gotten enough of on Music, but no! Let's take that already-tired gimmick and use it another fifty times! After all, how could anybody get sick of hearing your voice flick up and down electronically, sucking out any ounce of personality your voice had left (which wasn't much anyway -- CHRIST, what happened to that peppy young girl that sang "Lucky Star"!?!?)?

Then there's all the acoustic guitar playing, which is intended (I guess) to sound folky and "genuine," but ends up coming across as gimmicky and boring because the producer just samples four seconds of playing and repeats it over and over again rather than actually having a guitarist in the room during the session. There's even the fact that NONE of the songs come even CLOSE to catchy, and rely instead on boring, lifeless minor-key crap for nearly all eleven songs.

Hopefully I've made my point clear by now. So I'd like to close with the biggest self-deception of all. The kind of lyric that only an inexcusably comfortable out-of-touch old sloth would even consider having the gall to utter in a song that will be heard by millions and millions of normal, average people who have to work 40 or more hours a week just to keep their heads above water.

Am I really the only one that wants to break into Madonna's bank account and give ALL of her money to her poor fan base when she announces, "I want the good life/ But I don't want an easy ride/ What I want is to work for it/ Feel the blood and sweat on my fingertips/ That's what I want for me."

Go ahead, read it again. Read what one of the richest human beings on the planet sings to you WITH A STRAIGHT FACE on her new CD. Go ahead. Read it again and again and again, and then tell me how you -- how ANYONE -- could listen to this CD without wanting to throw the thing (if not the WOMAN) through a plate glass window? Is it really all that different from that episode of The Simpsons where billionaire Montgomery Burns claims, "Being waited on hand and foot might be okay for the average Joe, but not for me!" (that was a paraphrase, but it was close).

Madonna has no idea what American life is like. She only knows what the life of a spoiled celebrity is like. Five years ago, I would have let her get off easy with a grade of 2 or 3. But not now. This is a pre-9/11 album in a post-9/11 world. We don't care anymore, Madonna. And I'm speaking directly to you because I know that you're totally always checking out my Madonna reviews to see if people are adding any comments.

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Reader Comments

Your review on Madonna is 'BALLS'....

You look much too deep into songs. She uses her life to create lyrics, yes. But it's only music, and most of the songs are catchy. You obviously don't listen. Madonna is one of the greatest artists around, and I can't think of many more that can keep up with the ages!!!!!

-- Carlton Ilsley, Great Britain
27 May 2003

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I have to say that American Life isn't shitty, nor nearly as awful as the other reviews make it out to be. Yet I do have to say it's boring... REALLY BORING... and that saddens me.

Madonna is an upper and a downer career wise. After Erotica, it took her practically forever to get it together for her super awesome opus Ray of Light. And now it seems she is back on the downward swing again. Music was a pretty cool album after you got used to
it (and, in my opinion, a person should never have to get used to an album if it's truly good). Music was only slightly boring and had some genuine moments of creative invention. But man...this American
Life is boring, and sadly missing all the great stuff Madonna is great at, like making awesome pop songs and club tracks.

I don't give a crap about Madonna's relevance in a post 9/11 world. I don't think that is what real Madonna fans expect her to be about.

More than ever, we need Madonna to write the songs that make us happy, only because the world is just sooo shitty right now. I want more of the creative artistry and dance wizardry that was on Ray of
Light.

I honestly believed that Madonna had found her "artistic center" on that album. But gosh, she's pulling a Jackson Pollock type nose dive. As a painter, I can understand and sympathize with her artistic struggle. But I also feel it's my duty to tell her that she
needs to get her shit together.

-- Jake Romero
12 Jun 2003

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It's sad how hard one has to look to find some intelligent criticism of Madonna by a writer who holds her to mature artistic standards. So, it was refreshing to read Prindle's review, despite his own lapses in
taste.

                               -- Martina Sciolino
02 Jul 2003

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I couldn't agree with you more about Madonna. Unfortunately she is just a part of the whole mainstream media phenomena successfully working its way at stealing people's souls. The following comment posted proves this without a doubt; "I don't give a crap about Madonna's relevance in a post 9/11 world." I think it's all too obvious that fans of hers are as out of touch with reality, as insensitive, and as uneducated as she is. Like attracts like.

I read an interview not long ago where she was quoted as saying that she wants to continue producing her "art" for all age groups because she feels she is helping people, an obvious sales pitch. I have to admit that Madonna has probably been the worst influence in my life growing up than anyone in my immediate surroundings who really tried their darndest to make things difficult. I don't know that she helped me at all; not as an artist, especially not as a woman, or a human being. She didn't bring me happiness. She brought me time wasted. She brought me cheap perspectives and incentives back then. Well, luckily I've learned that I'm not about selling myself short. The images she brings to kids, the majority of who listen to her music, are not helpful to them in my opinion. I think this is all too obvious.

I was disappointed when I learned that she refused to have her war video aired, though I admit I haven't seen it in it's entirety to know whether it would have shed any ray of light, because she didn't want to clash with the Bush administration's agendas. If you aren't directly affected by things, why should you care one way or the other? At least that's the general consensus I think. Well, we need to care.

Her recent antics on the MTV music awards of dressing up as a groom with Spears and Aguilera as her two brides and French kissing them on stage certainly doesn't help women any. It degrades them. And as far as her billionaire status goes, she is immoral and pathetic. Regardless of whether or not she appreciates her condition, it doesn't detract from the reality of it. But yes, her "art" only makes it known how much more repulsive she can continue to be. I've heard it said that Madonna brings a new meaning to the word 'whore.' Just as addictions plague our nation, so too do people buying her music and watching her seductive videos.

Music and other art forms are not only forms of expression, they are forms of communication. Lyrics say stuff. That's what they do. What's more, they are attached to melodies that resound and repeat. And notice songs stay with us, don't they? Turn on your radio and there you have songs being played that cover decades. As artists, whether musicians, writers, painters, and the like, do we not bear any responsibility for what we produce? After all, we are making a statement. I think it's clear what Madonna's statement is. A rich person isn't about what it is to be without.
It is sad that our society worships the rich when they are the cause of such unbelievable pain, horrors and death in the world today. Well, I'll tell you, I don't worship the dollar and it may mean I don't have a shot in hell at becoming a sensation, but I'd rather have a shot in heaven.

                                 -- Andrea Marshall, New York, NY

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