L.A. LIFESTYLES
Sexual Addict Has Life-Changing Epiphany

by Brook Hutchinson

MARINA DEL REY -- Assistant editor Brian Coleman figured out yesterday that, instead of being held captive by his out-of-control libido, he would do the next best thing: masturbation.

Brian is like thousands of others suffering from sexual addiction. In an effort to curb his enthusiasm in the past, Brian had tried switching to lighter beers, and adding more red meat to his diet. "Nothing seemed to work before I discovered chronic masturbation. I'm a changed man."

"Before yesterday, I always regarded jerking off as something to do right before bed to help you sleep," Brian explained. "But now I rub one out as soon as I wake up in the morning, after every meal, in my car on the daily commute; whenever I feel like it, basically.

"I've even excused myself from departmental meetings to satisfy my urges. If I don't, I'll be a ball of rage all day long, and I know no one wants that for me, especially me."

He also added that these animal-like desires had gotten him into troubles many times before. He told about the one time he knowingly made out with two transvestites because they were giving him '200%' of their combined attention. Brian proceeded to follow these fellas into the ladies room where fella #1 took Brian in the mouth, while fella #2 kept point on the door.

And so goes it. And as each day passes in the life of the sexual addict, he/she must remain wary of chance homosexual encounters with strangers in WeHo bars.

A reminder to all those out there that just can't seem to keep it in their pants.

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