Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Now is the time to act, as the nation is distracted by war. It's time to do more than wear the tee-shirt. It's time to Legalize Crack.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Hydro

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
In the spirit of commercial enterprise, you will finally send off to Warner Bros. Studios your closet video set to the entire album Slippery When Wet by Bon Jovi , where it will be re-worked to perfection.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Dank

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Beats the hell out of the stars, what to do next. But I'm sure they have dental hygiene and showering once a day completely out of the picture, so you can devote more time and space to your new master plan: a hilarious audio tape of embarrassing funeral noises.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Kil'

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
The stars promise you better fortune in your next job search as soon as you stop listing Castle Grayskull as your permanent address. Keep it in your heart, right next to Jesus.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Bud

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Gary Coleman will be your arresting officer. You will be sporting an unbalanced mohawk. Your girlfriend will be recorded by CNN Breaking News dancing drunkenly in the street, singing "I Touch Myself." Your mother will be fetal with laughter mere inches from the spot where your tears fall. This will all happen at once. The stars do not want to spoil the surprise.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Kaybee

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept.22)
Moments after sudden and divine inspiration, you will be struck down by a passing bus, robbing this world of the best Your Mama So Fat joke ... EVER.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Herb

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Of course it was difficult believing your son was the Antichrist. Any mother would have had difficulty accepting the fact. If you thought that was tough, just try convincing your local priest! The stars eagerly anticipate the humorous consequences.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: New Zealand

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Nobody knows how hard it is being you. You know that. Unfortunately, what you don't know (and refuse to learn) is that nobody cares.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: cheeba cheeba

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
If you love someone, you should set them free. If you even like someone you can at least leave the t.v. on when you go to work. Not that they don't like being tied up and gagged. They would just appreciate the "background noise."
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Humboldt Red

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You will be dismayed when scientists are finally able to link you as a direct cause of face and heart cancer. However, your dark mood will vastly increase the quality of your poetry.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Austin

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb 18)
Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time. The stars insist you will not be the exception to the rule.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: Plan 9

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Hope you take great stock in your astrological fortune because reading this has made you half an hour late to your pizza delivering job...again.
Your lucky code name for marijuana: world peace

More Asstrology ...