Asstrological Predictions and
Counsel from the Stars
by Oleo W. DiNero

ARIES (March 20 - April 19)
An attempt to use the word 'terrorist' in this week's Scrabble Fun-Off will result in a major clash between politics and entertainment. Shame on you! The stars suggest 'genocide' and bless you with a triple word score.
Your lucky movie: Teen Wolf

TAURUS (April 20 - May 19)
You will discover a new, spiritually fulfilling method to execute a very defined routine, only to discover that people are already very set on how they wipe their asses.
Your lucky star: the Sun

GEMINI (May 20 - June 20)
Yes, you are the voice in my head. I eagerly await your next command, oh Lord and Master. Who do I make this check out to? Yes, I have already purchased 365 cases of Grolsch beer and have made an entire suit of aluminum foil and giblets, as you instructed.
Your lucky hobbit: Pippin

CANCER (June 21 - July 21)
Imitating Homer Simpson's "D'oh!" at just the right moment will catch that special someone's attention, but soon it will be drawn away by that spreading wet spot just to the right of your crotch.
Your lucky hand: the left one

LEO (July 22 - Aug 22)
OK, 'Jawz,' I think you've opened your last beer bottle using only your teeth. When attending the Scrabble Fun-Off with Aries, try 'orthodontics.' The stars bless you with a smile that's tough to forget.
Your lucky drug: Cocaine

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 21)
You will learn the hard way why it is best to limit your answer to the question, "Who is your favorite Smurf?" to only two words, and that one of those words should always, always be 'Smurf.'
Your lucky artist: Snoop Dogg

LIBRA (Sept 22 - Oct 22)
You will ask the wrong person, "Does this make me look fat?" and yes, you will be disappointed, and yes, their attorney will pursue the maximum penalty against you.
Your lucky public transportation: the subway

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The stars suggest a romantic encounter in your future when the moon is visible in the sky with the sun. The stars also suggest you get that special person's full name and address before doing anything hasty like saying 'hello' or smiling.
Your lucky sports star: LeBron James, he's all dat!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
In a dream, you will meet Harriet Tubman and she will reveal to you the winning lotto numbers. But your dream pen will be out of ink, and when you run to the nearest dream store, you will have left your dream wallet at home. You will awake to a much worse reality and decide to spend the rest of the day in bed.
Your lucky disease: Mono (the kissing disease!)

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
The time approaches for Sugar Pawz, your pet cat, to harvest his crop in his season of hate against you. 'Tis an evil wind that draweth nigh, a wind that doeth pass through the shadow of hell itself.
Four words: Odor Absorbing Kitty Litter.
Your lucky word: what

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 17)
So what if you're the best sign of all the astrological ones? We get tired of hearing about it, you know. We didn't ask to be born on the date we were born on.
Aw, forget it, I'm going home! Your mother!
Your lucky Facts of Life star: Tootie

PISCES (Feb 18 - March 19)
You will receive your Master's Degree in the field of Liberal Arts (English, specifically), get married, have a wonderful job, home, children. Yet you will still harbor bitterness and resentment at your failure to understand why your astrological sign is not pronounced 'pisses.'
Your lucky city: San Francisco

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TODAY'S BIRTHDAY: Congratulations on being born and not dying (yet). Happy Birthday to you, you belong in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one, too! No, really, Happy Birthday.

From Wilshire Gazette (February 2003)

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