COVER STORY
Royals Coach Mauled by Drunken Father-Son Duo!!

by A. Bravo

CHICAGO -- September 19, 2002 -- It was supposed to be like any other Thursday night in the Windy City, but during the top of the ninth at Comiskey Park, two deranged idiots, William Ligue, Jr., and his son, whose name is being withheld because of his age (15), attacked a defenseless and unexpectant Tom Gamboa, staining both America's pastime forever, and the great city of Chicago.

These miscreants allege that Gamboa had been taunting them throughout the entire game, at one point mocking William's 'little-boy body', and declaring his assortment of tattoos more disgusting than the 'inflated price of a watered-down Comiskey beer.'

"Shamefully, these morons have besmirched Thursday Night Baseball in Chicago forever," said Chicago mayor Richard M. Daley. "I know the Kansas City Royals are a fine organization, and they fully realize William Ligue, Jr. and his juvenile delinquent son are not typical Chicagoans.

"We also deeply regret that our lame security could not have done more to prevent this monstrous episode from unfolding in front of our six or seven thousand devoted fans who came to root for their White Sox." Many others agree that baseball will never be the same after this horrifying display of senseless brutality.

This is not the first time baseball has been plagued by gratuitous violence. As most readers already know, 85% of MLB players are confirmed as suffering from some degree of 'Roid Rage' because of their rampant use of steroids. This, of course, has led to 'incidental' beanings, 'hard' slides, and 'collisions' at the plate, to become commonplace in a sport that is completely falling apart at the seams. With a game that proudly endorses 'bench-clearing brawls' to promote team unity, we knew it would be just a matter of time before a disgruntled fan, or postman, took matters into his own hands and did something about it.

"Black Thursday is just a sign of the times, man," said Assistant Public Defender Christopher Swanson. "William Ligue, Jr. and his son were upset on Thursday night. They were upset about exorbitant concession prices, they were upset with the poor service by the Comiskey vendors, and the incessant heckling of some asshole first-base coach who thinks he's hot shit was just too much to handle."

Royals coach Tom Gamboa offered his rebuttal by saying, "All I want to do is put this tragedy behind me, but the substantial loss of hearing which has resulted from this onslaught and the constant headaches are unfortunately a constant reminder of what's wrong in this world."

Adding even more insult to an already ugly situation was the fact that several Chicago White Sox personnel did nothing as Gamboa received a beatdown, at the hands of a proud papa and his raucous son.

One Chicago player, who asked to remain nameless (off the record...Frank Thomas) was quoted as saying, "What the fuck do I care about some Royals coach? He probably deserved it. Tom Gamboa's never done nothing for Frank Thomas." Luckily, several Kansas City players cared enough to rush to Gamboa's aid, before security and police officials could take the trash out.

As William Ligue, Jr. and his son were being hauled off, William was quoted as saying, "I just want to thank God for giving me the courage to do this with my son tonight. Thanks, Lord, I owe you one." Andy Warhol was turning in his grave as he thought about this fucking asshole having fifteen minutes of fame. For Pete's sake, that's a helluva lot more time than your faithful author has gotten.

From Wilshire Gazette (November 2002)

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