TECH NEWS
Local Drunk Has Rite of Passage into Computer Age

by Lu Delecti

ARLINGTON, TX -- In what local observers call a "blatant abuse of alcohol and a waste of egg and sperm," local lush Joe Morgan, 55, asked some ludicrous questions to fellow barmates and, after learning how to pronounce the word "computer," the very inebriated Morgan took his first step into the age of computers.

Joe Morgan stumbled into the local watering hole, the Sunshine Bar, on Tuesday night and unwittingly took a seat next to computer analyst Marty Graham. Morgan sparked up the conversation by asking if Graham would buy him a drink. Graham responded by telling Joe to, "get a job." His tone quickly changed when Morgan threatened to take Graham outside and, "rip him a new asshole."

"I knew at the time that I was in for a long evening," said the 125-pound computer geek. "I was like putty in his hands. His breath alone was enough to make me nauseous. There was nothing a little guy like me could do except buy his drinks and endure a barrage of naïve and ridiculous questions for the duration of the night. My deviated septum does not allow me to have any physical contact."

Harassing the small and meek has become commonplace for the drunk and belligerent Morgan. In a rare interview, Morgan disclosed that, with the proper coersion, he has found the weak to be a great source for food and drink. He went on to say that a literal twist of the arms can bring great rewards.

The mood soon changed as Morgan screamed in a liquor-induced stupor, "I have a question for everyone in the bar. Who's best at computers in this bar?"

Local bar-dwellers, ranging from early-twenties to mid-thirties, struggled to find a proper rejoinder to the ridiculous shenanigans of the town drunk.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" was the bewildered response issued by local pariah James Castleman.

Stumped and outnumbered by a sea of computer savvy twenty-somethings, an obviously defeated Morgan drowned his desires in some more gin and tonics bought by his new friend Graham.

Overwhelmed by compassion for Morgan, Graham rallied support throughout the bar as bar-mates vowed to answer all the questions that Morgan's pea-sized brain could muster. "It sounds like we can have a lot of fun with this idiot," said one passerby.

Joe began by asking, "what the hell is this Web Wide World of Sports that I have been hearing about?" After the laughter subsided, Graham explained what the Internet was and how Joe could use it to explore any subject of interest. "You mean to tell me that I can find all the free porn I want on the Internet?" said Morgan. "You mean it's all free?" he then screamed in disbelief. "Well, not all of it," explained Graham. A confused Morgan quipped, "wait a minute, are you trying to tell me that I can find naked women on a screen at my house for free?"

Twenty minutes of questions concerning only pornography made Joe's motives quite clear. Then after five minutes of relative silence from Morgan, the confused drunk exclaimed, "wait a minute, are we talking about pornography here or what?"

After learning that porno and pornography were the same thing, Morgan vowed to go out and get a job so he could get his telephone reconnected. Possible options for employment were Big Daddy's liquor store (for obvious reasons) and a local eatery named Joe's. Morgan made a sick attempt at humor by telling everyone in the bar that the place was named after him. Of course no one ever believes a thing that asshole says.

Among the many things Joe Morgan learned about computers that night were: a mouse is not only a furry rodent that feels great when stuck up your ass, but also a very helpful computer component. Second, a motherboard is more than the paddle Joe's mother used to beat him with; it can also mean an internal board in the hard drive that holds the major circuits of the system. Joe also learned that rotten.com and assjammers.com are great places for him to explore his embarrassing bestiality fetish. He also learned that the Internet can be a very valuable tool in locating all the thousands of girls who have given him false phone numbers throughout his 55 years.

From Wilshire Gazette (November 2002)

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