President Bush
Readies America
for Four More Years

The following is the text of the speech is to be delivered by U.S. President George W. Bush at his January 2005 inauguration in which he explains the reasons for
pre-emptive nuclear attack on North Korea.

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My fellow Americans.

Today, we face a serious threat from rogue states that possess weapons of mass destruction. That is why I, as your commander in chief, recently ordered the invasion of Iraq.

As that war is completed by our brave soldiers, I would like to remind Americans of the dangers we face in the new century.

Remember September 11, and how those cowards, without any regard to life or the American way of life, attacked us unprovoked and left us a scarred nation. September 11 not only gave legitimacy to this presidency, but also got me re-elected, and thereby helped Papa and me avoid the same fate that befell the Adams. Think about how that tragedy united us, till we were hating the rest of the world who do not look like us: you know, countries like Iraq, North Korea, Iran, and France.

I just wanted to once again remind Americans of how September 11 changed the world. I mean, what the hell, you get the picture.

Anyway, as we conclude one conflict, another emerges on our horizon. North Korea, unlike Iraq, (which appears to have no weapons of destruction) has admitted to possessing nuclear bombs. The North Korean government did not admit this, but its representative Ri Gon allegedly...

(looking over to Karl Rove to the side)

Oh, it's okay to actually say 'admitted' to having nuclear weapons. Good point, it's not like they can sue us for slander. I don't think Scalia or Rehnquist would let the North Koreans win in the US courts.

Anyway, it appears that some Americans, as well as the rest of the world, are confused and bewildered about our intention towards North Korea.

Well, let me assure the American public, don't be anxious about North Korea, for we will surely attack militarily. This future attack will not only shock and awe, but nuke 'em as well. Since many will question our motives for invading North Korea, let me spell it out for you.

The reason we are attacking North Korea is not for oil or for kimchi.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not want their kimchi. I repeat, this war is not a fight for kimchi. As I just said earlier, they can have all the kimchi they want.

Some may think it's because they possess nuclear weapons, but let me reassure Americans that we, the United States of America, do not engage in wars for such flimsy reasons as 'weapons of mass destruction.'

If we did, we would be launching an invasion a month, attacking countries like Great Britain, France, Pakistan, India, China, and Russia.

And, truthfully folks, if that were the standard we used, we would have never attacked Iraq but would have probably attacked Israel. I mean, Israel not only has over 200 nuclear bombs, but also transferred its nuclear technology to that once rogue state South Africa to build the fellow Apartheid state's nuclear arsenal.

So once again, the critics on the left are wrong ...

(Leans to the camera, looking like he's about to share a top secret with the whole country)

The real reason we are attacking North Korea is simply because they have too many Kims. I mean, Kim Jong Il, Kim Il Song, Kim this, and Kim that. It's really hard to tell which Kim you are talking about. Plus, since they all look alike, it's even more difficult to tell them apart.

I know from personal experience that this has been the primary reason our bilateral relationship suffered so badly over the years. It is also why Americans fought a war in Korea fifty years ago: we never could tell which Kim said what.

South Korea was lucky at that time, because its first president, unlike the North Koreans, was named Rhee. That was the only reason why we became close allies, and why we helped the South defeat the North Koreans when the Commies attacked them.

America could not live with the prospect of South Korea being ruled by more Kims. I mean, look at the Japanese; there are no Kims. Just Toyotas, Hondas, Ichiros, and Godzillas. Names that we as Americans can recognize and differentiate.

In his official debriefing, the ambassador said, and I quote, "The whole goddamn room was filled with Kims. Kim this, Kim that, Kim no, Kim yes. I mean, Kim as far as the eye can see.

"Well, except that one guy named Ri Gong. That's why we got along pretty well, and maybe that's why he confided in me that North Korea had nuclear bombs. I think he felt like I cared about him, unlike the rest of the Kims that filled that room. I mean, why would any sensible person take a female first name, and give it to the whole damn country as the only last name??"

I, as your President, agree with Ambassador Kelly. Why would you take a female first name and give that to yourself as your last name? And, for that matter, a shortened version of that name?

Doesn't Kimberly Jong Il, Kimberly Il Song, or even Kimberly Dae Jung, sound friendlier than Kim Jong Il, Kim Il Song, and Kim Dae Jung?

Kimberly just sounds like a name you can do business with. As for that other name, Kim, goodness gracious, it just does not sound reasonable. It's not a name you can do business with.

That's why it is important that we eliminate the source of the problem that has been plaguing our bilateral relationship. And, I repeat, this is the only reason why we are going to attack North Korea with nuclear bombs and engage in regime change.

Once North Korea is defeated, and its leader purged, we will then rename every other Korean with different last names. Last names like Park, Lee, Chung, and whatever. But no more of this 'everyone is named Kim' thing. It's just too confusing. We can't have good relations when we can't tell who's saying what to whom. "Mr. President, meet Chairman Kim, Foreign Minister Kim, Defense Minister Kim, General Kim, Colonel Kim, defector Kim."

No wonder we think North Korea is a dictatorship. I originally thought about leaving North Korea off that 'Axis of Evil' list, but when Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz reminded me about all those Kims, I just freaked out. I vowed to remove this evil of having too many Kims in Korea, so that our peoples might better communicate with each other in the future

(Leaning forward once again as if to share a major secret with country, he continues to speak).

My fellow Americans, since I have come clean regarding North Korea, let me now tell you why I invaded Iraq.

It wasn't because Saddam was the 'Butcher of Baghdad' or that he gassed his own people. I mean, who cares? We sold him the chemical weapons, and gave him the location of his enemies so he could gas them more effectively.

The reason for the war was not because Saddam possessed weapons of mass destruction. It wasn't regime change, or to liberate the Iraqis. It certainly wasn't oil; well, scratch that. Oil definitely was a reason, but not a determining factor.

Because I was lying to you about why we were invading Iraq, the reasons for going to war in Iraq kept changing. Remember that.

The real reason why we invaded Iraq was because that country had too many hyphenated names. I mean, Abdu-Gamel-Ibn-Hussein-al Faud-Aziz. Who can remember a name that long? And that's just the middle name. When you add the first name and the last name, forget about it.

Their names are so long that you can't even remember one, even if you wanted to. All those hyphens. Besides, when do you or don't capitalize your name? Why are "Ibns" capitalized but not "als"?

What are the rules? Why can't you capitalize "Al" and not "ibn"? Where is the logic? Anyway, by the time you finish one name, this term could be up.

My father, the president, once said to me during the first Gulf War, "Junior, we can't depose Saddam Hussein. Saddam is the only Iraqi whose name is not hyphenated. 'Saddam Hussein,' that's simple to remember now, isn't it, son?"

I originally thought that was true, but when Richard Perle, Don Feith, William Kristol, Elliot Abrams, and other people from diverse backgrounds, told me his name is not only longer but hyphenated with al-Tikkrit, I simply lost it. I vowed to remove this double talking, hyphenated liar from power.

So there you have it, Americans, the unvarnished truth. Unlike PBS, where you wait fifty years to find out who killed JFK, or other ugly government truths, with George Bush, you get the truth today.

(Straightening up and changing his tone and demeanor)

The war with North Korea will be difficult, and will cost many lives on both sides. But rest assured knowing that our cause is just.

Americans will not allow the world's most dangerous monosyllabic names to continue confusing us. We will now engage in name change, not regime change, in North Korea, defeat monosyllabic tyranny, and liberate monosyllabically oppressed people wherever they are found.

Make no mistake, the outcome is certain: we will prevail. So, as we begin our nuclear bombing of North Korea, may God bless America.

Text by White House speechwriter Mimi Ibsen.

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