COMMENTARY
Drivers Ed

by Brook Hutchinson

The first time I realized I hated most people was in defensive driving class. I was sitting with numerous other offenders in Arlington, Texas, taking care of some ludicrous moving violation I had received weeks before. My favorite part is at the beginning of class when everybody has to say their name, why they're here, and of course, what their biggest complaint about driving is.

"Hi ya'll, name's Bob Ferguson, I'm in here cuz I was doing 45 in a 30 on Cooper Street, and my biggest pet peeve is gettin' stuck in my truck behind some fucking yuppie yapping on their goddamned cellulars!"

Then it got to this business professional. "Hello everyone, my name is William Reynolds. I am in here trying to lower my insurance premium." The room moans at this remark; one of those jerks that doesn't really even have to be here, if it wasn't for his fucking do-gooder attitude and way too much free time on his hands. "The most annoying thing that I experience is having to share the road with ignorant rednecks in their bohemoth trucks."

Now this remark definitely raised some eyebrows, especially since William's rant came a few minutes after Bob's. The two shared an uncomfortable stare as instructor Larry Dooley tried to restore order.

When it finally got to me, I said, "Hello, my name is Brook Hutchinson. I was pulled over because one of my headlights was out, and during the ticket write-up, the officer detected a strong aroma of marijuana emanating from my automobile. I told him it was just my clothes that reeked because I had been smoking some grass with a couple of buddies earlier. We also smoked some opium and did whip-its too, not to mention I threw back a few Bartles & James wine coolers.

"Now I don't now why I volunteered all this information; perhaps I was so stoned at the time, I panicked. Anyway he asked me to step out of the car and made me take a breathalizer. Now luckily for me, this was before they lowered the legal limit to .08 from .1, or I would've been fucked royally. As it was, I blew a .09 and was able to get away with only the ticket for a busted headlight. The thing that pisses me off more than anything... is that I can't drive as fast as I know I am able to drive. Posted speed limits are bullshit."

Good thing I told that story...first break we had, these cute high school girls thought my story was really courageous and cool, and they asked me if I wanted to hotbox their Eclipse. So, Missy, Alexis, and I pile into her little rice burner. Since it's a two-seater, Alexis and I have to lap it up. So this works out perfectly for yours truly. One minute I'm listening to some boring drivel about school zone safety, and now I'm smokin' out with some primo hardbodies, fresh outta cheerleading practice. To my delight, they're still in uniform too. Just goes to show you, even if you hate people, a hot little vixen in uniform does wonders for your faith in mankind.

From Wilshire Gazette (November 2002)

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